Today's Theme Is...
Apr. 14th, 2002 10:53 pm"It comes in pints?? I'm getting one!" - Pippin.
First off, today's meeting was miserable. I came off the list. Yep. I did it. For at least the next six months you're looking at a regular old publisher. But that's not what bothers me, oh no. I made sure it was known that I was just taking this as a six month break to sort out all the "problems" and hopefully get back to normal, then I'm right back on the list. What IS bothering me is the people. Today I almost ripped every one of my fingers off while everyone came up to me and tried to "console" me or "reprove" me or give me those looks--those g-d dang pitying I-told-you-so looks. I want the hell out of this place ASAP. Because these people absolutely make me crazy.
Social Anxiety Disorder! Me! Me!
That and the realization that I have one messed up body. There is not an inch of me that isn't scarred in some way or another and I'm just absolutely... gruesome. It makes me really angry at myself. So today I've pretty much been trying to starve myself. It isn't working out to plan though.
I am back to old tricks though. It's funny how, even after so long, you fall right back into the same old routine of "Nothing's wrong, what are you talking about? I'm perfect! I'm happy! I am the epitome of a careless teenager!" And what bugs me the most is everybody buys it. But that IS the goal now, isn't it? Yeah.
Yesterday's "anniversary dinner" went off well so to speak. Aside from my obvious discomfort and guilty feelings, I relaxed, I ate, I tried to enjoy talking to my friends as much as possible. To be quite honest, I didn't. Which scares the heck out of me, because it means I'm reverting right back to the old me. I gotta shake myself out of it, 'cause even now, more than 24 hours later, I'm still feeling the same feelings of... discomfort. And the last thing I want to do is push my friends away or hurt them in some way. I think I just have to slap myself and remind myself that even though I'm not like most people, that doesn't keep me from enjoying them or them enjoying being around me. After all, not EVERYBODY can hate me... right?
Piano. Mine. Need. I tried playing a little while ago and it resulted in 2 hours of me fumbling through nearly every song I've ever learned--and to my dismay, rather than soothe me or relieve me of some of these emotions swimming dangerously close to the surface, it only irritated me and compounded the feelings severely. So I am basically one, big, walking, talking mound of RAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Yeah. That's it.
Okay. On a flip note, I haven't gotten anything at all done all day today. Including burning that CD I so desperately need to burn (so that my hard drive doesn't dive into self-destruct mode), or updating my website which I SWORE to myself I'd do. *shrugs* Oh well.
Great. Now I'm getting complacent. Fabulous.
I'm such a boring person to read about. I think that I would literally scare the heck out of anybody who dared see what I REALLY think or feel on a day to day basis. Truly. I make myself acceptably "normal" for other people, but if they had a moment to hijack my brain for even a minute, they would come back so jaded and paranoid it's not even funny. Sometimes I wonder if this is how people like John Lennon, John Nash, Beethoven or Steven Spielberg's minds work. This constant array of imagery and imagination. An endless movie with an equally endless, emotional soundtrack that just keeps spinning, twisting and redefining itself, changing, mutating, evolving into new but strangely old sensations, pictures, sounds and feelings that you wonder why Shakespeare didn't pen out years ago.
Ugh... everybody! Calm the heck down! Can you slow down for ONE MINUTE so I can actually hear myself breathe for once?
Okay, me, myself & I are going now. Thank you and goodnight.
"We've had one, yes. But what about second breakfast?" (You so have to imagine me trying to do that face to get the full effect of the words)
First off, today's meeting was miserable. I came off the list. Yep. I did it. For at least the next six months you're looking at a regular old publisher. But that's not what bothers me, oh no. I made sure it was known that I was just taking this as a six month break to sort out all the "problems" and hopefully get back to normal, then I'm right back on the list. What IS bothering me is the people. Today I almost ripped every one of my fingers off while everyone came up to me and tried to "console" me or "reprove" me or give me those looks--those g-d dang pitying I-told-you-so looks. I want the hell out of this place ASAP. Because these people absolutely make me crazy.
Social Anxiety Disorder! Me! Me!
That and the realization that I have one messed up body. There is not an inch of me that isn't scarred in some way or another and I'm just absolutely... gruesome. It makes me really angry at myself. So today I've pretty much been trying to starve myself. It isn't working out to plan though.
I am back to old tricks though. It's funny how, even after so long, you fall right back into the same old routine of "Nothing's wrong, what are you talking about? I'm perfect! I'm happy! I am the epitome of a careless teenager!" And what bugs me the most is everybody buys it. But that IS the goal now, isn't it? Yeah.
Yesterday's "anniversary dinner" went off well so to speak. Aside from my obvious discomfort and guilty feelings, I relaxed, I ate, I tried to enjoy talking to my friends as much as possible. To be quite honest, I didn't. Which scares the heck out of me, because it means I'm reverting right back to the old me. I gotta shake myself out of it, 'cause even now, more than 24 hours later, I'm still feeling the same feelings of... discomfort. And the last thing I want to do is push my friends away or hurt them in some way. I think I just have to slap myself and remind myself that even though I'm not like most people, that doesn't keep me from enjoying them or them enjoying being around me. After all, not EVERYBODY can hate me... right?
Piano. Mine. Need. I tried playing a little while ago and it resulted in 2 hours of me fumbling through nearly every song I've ever learned--and to my dismay, rather than soothe me or relieve me of some of these emotions swimming dangerously close to the surface, it only irritated me and compounded the feelings severely. So I am basically one, big, walking, talking mound of RAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Yeah. That's it.
Okay. On a flip note, I haven't gotten anything at all done all day today. Including burning that CD I so desperately need to burn (so that my hard drive doesn't dive into self-destruct mode), or updating my website which I SWORE to myself I'd do. *shrugs* Oh well.
Great. Now I'm getting complacent. Fabulous.
I'm such a boring person to read about. I think that I would literally scare the heck out of anybody who dared see what I REALLY think or feel on a day to day basis. Truly. I make myself acceptably "normal" for other people, but if they had a moment to hijack my brain for even a minute, they would come back so jaded and paranoid it's not even funny. Sometimes I wonder if this is how people like John Lennon, John Nash, Beethoven or Steven Spielberg's minds work. This constant array of imagery and imagination. An endless movie with an equally endless, emotional soundtrack that just keeps spinning, twisting and redefining itself, changing, mutating, evolving into new but strangely old sensations, pictures, sounds and feelings that you wonder why Shakespeare didn't pen out years ago.
Ugh... everybody! Calm the heck down! Can you slow down for ONE MINUTE so I can actually hear myself breathe for once?
Okay, me, myself & I are going now. Thank you and goodnight.
"We've had one, yes. But what about second breakfast?" (You so have to imagine me trying to do that face to get the full effect of the words)
