Gabby (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ladyoflorien) wrote2002-11-29 10:21 pm
ladyoflorien) wrote2002-11-29 10:21 pm
My day, in a nutshell.
So I had a somewhat interesting day today. A rarity, I know, yet unmistakably there. And though it's really 3:30 in the morning and I just changed the time to 10:30 so that it'd show up on the 29th when I look back through my LJ calender, I'm still reeling.
I get woken up much earlier than I would have preferred (due to the fact that I was up until 4am yesterday, too) by my mother, who informs me some real estate agent wants to show the cabin by lunch time and we had to leave the house for a while. So I drag myself out of bed, change into some suitable clothes, throw on a little makeup and out we go for an afternoon jaunt in the car. Nothing too exciting. We ate lunch at Wendy's (NOT "Fluffy's Roast Beef," which has to be the SCARIEST name for a restaurant EVER. "Hey mom, where's fluffy?"), went food shopping where we ran into Grant Sterns and his mom, and then over to Walmart to exchange LOTR DVDs (have I mentioned the Argonath book ends, yet?). Jer, if we don't get together to watch LOTR soon, I am going to explode. I swear. Little Gabby pieces all over everything.
Mom: Those people left their car running! Do they think they're just gonna run in and get what they want and be out in a few minutes?
Me: Obviously they're new to the whole Wal*Mart scene...
But that's not what had me reeling. What had me reeling was what occurred to me in the car, driving around Laconnia while listening to Billy Joel harp about 'worse comes to worse, I'll get along' and 'I want you in my house, 'cause you're my home' and 'he finally found his home, underneath the boot-shaped grave that bears his name'. Staring out the window, trying to soak up as much of the lyrics and piano chords as I could, I realized that this--right here, right now--is the moment in my life that's going to decide who and what I'm going to be for the rest of my life. And that the worst possible thing I could do is be afraid. Because if I continue to let fear hold such strong sway over me, I'm going to be slave to its will for the rest of my life.
I don't know why it hit me now, I don't know how it found it's way to me in that moment, but ensnaring myself in the melancholy timeless opus of a man that's been to hell and back I realized that now, more than ever, I've been changing. Some things have incurred a deliberate change, others a more subtle, casual change. But none the less I see it all very clearly set out before me, and I find myself needing to pick and choose what things I'm going to keep within me for the rest of my life. I'm not a scared, helpless, sheltered child anymore. I have my moments, but for the most part I have this strong sense of self, a need to bite back when bitten and step out of the shadows for the alluring warmth of sunlight. I feel I want to fight against what they've made me, what they want me to be, and show them I can be so much more despite my fear. I want to be more.
I'm still hidden from people, still buried under a disguise at all times, but it's beginning to become open up to me just who exactly I am. And I'm taking hold of that and deciding where I want my life to go from now on.
Sure, I'm scared witless and inexperienced here in this place, but I feel I'm being guided into the footsteps it does not belong to me to lay; held by the hand of something greater and wiser that will not lead me astray. And my stomach is all tied up in knots of fear and excitement because I know no matter how much I want to, I can not turn back. It's either bravely press on, or be pushed forward by the wants of others. I want to step forward.
And so it's been nagging me all day, this constant presence in my head, this everlasting thought tugging at my heart: Who am I letting myself become? I don't know. I really don't know. But whoever it is, I'm not going to be afraid of it anymore.
There's my 2 cent revelation for the day. And so, since I find myself earnestly plagued by all these thoughts, I shall retire and let them all unfold behind my curtained eyelids in vivid colors and sights and sounds, until it's all clear in my eyes.
And! by Sunday I shall have a brand new LJ layout (because I felt like a change), due to the help and generosity of![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
piratelooksat20 and anowyn. *huggles them both* MUAH! Thank you, gals.
Now, what remains of sleep.
Today's Belated Theme for the Day:
Mom: I have to go home and cook dinner for dad. ..... How 'bout I pick him up some fluffy beef?
Mom: Look at the meat counter! Isn't it pretty?
Me: Oh yes. Because that's what I think every time I see a dead piece of animal. Aww, how pretty!
I get woken up much earlier than I would have preferred (due to the fact that I was up until 4am yesterday, too) by my mother, who informs me some real estate agent wants to show the cabin by lunch time and we had to leave the house for a while. So I drag myself out of bed, change into some suitable clothes, throw on a little makeup and out we go for an afternoon jaunt in the car. Nothing too exciting. We ate lunch at Wendy's (NOT "Fluffy's Roast Beef," which has to be the SCARIEST name for a restaurant EVER. "Hey mom, where's fluffy?"), went food shopping where we ran into Grant Sterns and his mom, and then over to Walmart to exchange LOTR DVDs (have I mentioned the Argonath book ends, yet?). Jer, if we don't get together to watch LOTR soon, I am going to explode. I swear. Little Gabby pieces all over everything.
Mom: Those people left their car running! Do they think they're just gonna run in and get what they want and be out in a few minutes?
Me: Obviously they're new to the whole Wal*Mart scene...
But that's not what had me reeling. What had me reeling was what occurred to me in the car, driving around Laconnia while listening to Billy Joel harp about 'worse comes to worse, I'll get along' and 'I want you in my house, 'cause you're my home' and 'he finally found his home, underneath the boot-shaped grave that bears his name'. Staring out the window, trying to soak up as much of the lyrics and piano chords as I could, I realized that this--right here, right now--is the moment in my life that's going to decide who and what I'm going to be for the rest of my life. And that the worst possible thing I could do is be afraid. Because if I continue to let fear hold such strong sway over me, I'm going to be slave to its will for the rest of my life.
I don't know why it hit me now, I don't know how it found it's way to me in that moment, but ensnaring myself in the melancholy timeless opus of a man that's been to hell and back I realized that now, more than ever, I've been changing. Some things have incurred a deliberate change, others a more subtle, casual change. But none the less I see it all very clearly set out before me, and I find myself needing to pick and choose what things I'm going to keep within me for the rest of my life. I'm not a scared, helpless, sheltered child anymore. I have my moments, but for the most part I have this strong sense of self, a need to bite back when bitten and step out of the shadows for the alluring warmth of sunlight. I feel I want to fight against what they've made me, what they want me to be, and show them I can be so much more despite my fear. I want to be more.
I'm still hidden from people, still buried under a disguise at all times, but it's beginning to become open up to me just who exactly I am. And I'm taking hold of that and deciding where I want my life to go from now on.
Sure, I'm scared witless and inexperienced here in this place, but I feel I'm being guided into the footsteps it does not belong to me to lay; held by the hand of something greater and wiser that will not lead me astray. And my stomach is all tied up in knots of fear and excitement because I know no matter how much I want to, I can not turn back. It's either bravely press on, or be pushed forward by the wants of others. I want to step forward.
And so it's been nagging me all day, this constant presence in my head, this everlasting thought tugging at my heart: Who am I letting myself become? I don't know. I really don't know. But whoever it is, I'm not going to be afraid of it anymore.
There's my 2 cent revelation for the day. And so, since I find myself earnestly plagued by all these thoughts, I shall retire and let them all unfold behind my curtained eyelids in vivid colors and sights and sounds, until it's all clear in my eyes.
And! by Sunday I shall have a brand new LJ layout (because I felt like a change), due to the help and generosity of
piratelooksat20 and anowyn. *huggles them both* MUAH! Thank you, gals.Now, what remains of sleep.
Today's Belated Theme for the Day:
Mom: I have to go home and cook dinner for dad. ..... How 'bout I pick him up some fluffy beef?
Mom: Look at the meat counter! Isn't it pretty?
Me: Oh yes. Because that's what I think every time I see a dead piece of animal. Aww, how pretty!