Gabby (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ladyoflorien) wrote2003-12-15 12:35 pm
ladyoflorien) wrote2003-12-15 12:35 pm
Refuse to feel, anything at all...
This is gonna be a long one, so I'm gonna put it behind a cut so I'm not clogging up everyone's friends page. As to what's behind the cut, you'll just have to click to find out.
Last night I was so tired that I couldn't stay up to watch/record Farscape. Yeah. That's like me saying, "well I got premier tickets to LOTR, but I'm really tired I think I'm just gonna stay in and sleep." Right, eh? It was a good ep, too. "Unrealized Reality." But that's how tired I was.
Anyway, a few things from Friday:
How much do I love the fact that Dom has HORRIBLE typing skills? Lots.
The Beatles negotiated with JRR Tolkien for the rights to star in a film version of the Lord of the Rings. John was to play Gollum, George Gandalf, Paul Frodo and Ringo Sam. "It was something John was driving at," director Peter Jackson told Total Film magazine, after McCartney told him the tale. "JRR Tolkien still had the film rights at that stage, but he didn't like the idea of the Beatles doing it. So he killed it."
Bwaaahaha.
A few more pictures of Dom. 'Cause, you know, just 'cause. =D Also featured on this page: A link to a page FILLED with RotK clips. I almost had a heart attack and died when I saw this, but refused to open any of them because I have already been spoiled more than I would have liked. :D
Oh shoot. I had another link for you all, but now it's not working! It was Viggo singing random things and reading poetry!! And I didn't even get a chance to listen to them all! DAMN IT!!!
Okay, so never mind other boring things that happened Saturday (because, honestly, I really don't remember anything), let's move on to SNL. I took note of 10 things I wanted to tell you all or make mention of.
1. Those picture stills they showed of Elijah before each commercial? I want them in my possession. Because some of them were really cute.
2. The first skit. Elijah's monologue. Chris Katan as Gollum. CRACKED. ME. THE HECK. UP. Seriously, that sitcom? Whatever it was called about Frodo and Gollum getting an apartment together in Denver? Oh man. That was great. And Chris doing the Gollum/Smeagol skitzoid thing was just fabulous.
3. Elijah sang so many times. That had me pretty much dead. Because when he wasn't being a big goober head, he actually sounded okay. *drool* Elijah voice, yummmm.
4. Speaking of Elijah singing, the second skit about the boys choir. AHAHAHAHA, I can't really say much about this skit aside from "OH my God... what's happening... SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!" *gets punched in the crotch a few dozen times* "Aah, thanks guys, you're the BEST!"
5. Never seen Queer Eye or whatever it's called, but Elijah gay and useless is frighteningly endearing. Awww, look at the cute gay clothes/haircut/voice! *bats lashes* "Look at that, they're making eye contact! I *AM* useful!" Also I'd just like to note that I love guys that aren't all homophobic and worried about their image, that can just, to quote Dom, "Take the piss out" of themselves. =D
6. I think I've found a new band to download and exploit and become a big fan of. I just have to go to the website and remind myself what their name is. :P
7. Did Ashton Kutcher really punk out (no pun intended) of making another season of Punk'd? Because if so, I am sad. I love that show.
8. Elijah with dreds is slightly scary. Though it did fit the whole pot-smoking-jazz-band-trumpet-player image he was going for. ;P Funny, funny boy.
9. Elijah with a fro is MORE than slightly scary; it's downright sickening. But bwaahahaha, I love him trying to be all Howie Mandel-ish. *snort* Yes people, he wasn't a funny comic ON PURPOSE, so let it go. ;) But yes, interesting skit, another with the returning Chris Katan, so that was very fabulous. "Yeee-OUCHHH!"
10. Finally, Elijah as Boy George. .... Oh. Sweet. Mother. Of Pearl. I was squealing with laughter, which prompted JeAnna to shush me for fear of waking the parental units. BUT HONESTLY, PEOPLE!!! THAT WAS SCARY!! BUT OH SO FABULOUS!! I NEED TO FIND A PICTURE OF THAT, BECAUSE YES!!! JUST... IF YOU MISSED THE SHOW, YOU HAVE TO SEE!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! He is so cute.
And there you have it. On a side note, when everyone is ice skating during the credits, Elijah has the CUTEST OUTFIT EVER ON! I know how girlish that sounds, but I covet that outfit. With the little pea-coat and the scarf and the cute little paper boy hat that I want SO BAD!!!! Aww, he's so cute. Which my 38-year-old sister made sure to remind me of every time he was on-screen. Heh, oh yeah.
(The rest will probably be free of goodies, so unless you're interested in the haps of my life you can stop here. I guess. I applaud you for even reading this far.)
To everyone I was chatting with Saturday, sorry I didn't come back on. Lol, I know I kinda said "brb" and then ditched you, but my computer was acting like such a piece. I ended up doing a system scan to see if there were any problems (which there weren't, bugger), and that lasted ALL NIGHT long. What are my computer issues, you may ask?
-I have a start page trojan I can't seem to delete. That means every time I restart my computer, my home page also resets itself. To an AD SITE. So every day I have to switch it back to livejournal.com. That's one thing that's been going on the longest.
-My computer now refuses to shut down. It used to automatically shut down, but now you have to sit and wait to see if it actually will. Sometimes it makes it to the "It is now safe to turn off your computer" page, sometimes it doesn't even get that far. It's very annoying.
-I keep getting "You do not have enough disk space to execute this command" messages, regardless of the fact that I have PLENTY of hard drive space AND ram. That means sometimes I can run my normal 8 or so programs, sometimes I can't run more than three. *bangs head on desk*
-Certain programs now make it a habit to freeze up my computer, or crash not only itself but a whole bunch of other programs. Oh yes, feel the hell I am in.
Obviously there is something SERIOUSLY wrong, but I'm baffled as to what. I'm going to pick apart my system later and see if something doesn't turn up, but for the time being it's KILLING ME!!! UGH!!!!
So moving on to Sunday, meeting was good. I kept busting myself up, though. For one, Dani was there ALONE with Kyleigh. I don't remember where Chris and Linda were, but it was the first time Dani was alone with Kyleigh at a public meeting, and she was a little stressed. Hehehe, luckily she did pretty good. Second of all, Eric Stockwell for some reason can't pronounce "women." He always says "woman." Which leads to some pretty funny sentences, let me tell you. Third of all, Bill Biggelow read the first subheading in the Watchtower (Women are Precious Assets, or something like that) as "Women are precious asses." AHAHAHAHA!!! So yes, fun meeting.
Also, YOU KNOW YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH LOTR's WHEN.... In the Watchtower I read, "the faithful steward," and immediately Denethor pops into my mind. Yeah, think I may have been reading/watching a little too much? :P Sad thing is that's not the only time yesterday something reminded me of LOTR. I can't remember the other one, though.
Anyway, after that I helped mom fix dinner for the family. All my brothers and sisters showed up with their families/significant others (save JeAnna, obviously). They were EXTREMELY late, more than 4 hours, which was upsetting because mom was alternately in a panic or frustrated. She bought about $100's worth of food that we never ate, because she expected everyone for lunch as well as dinner. Yeah, they are jerks, I agree. But they all eventually showed up and apologized for being late and we just sort of moved on.
To appease mom we took family photos, because she doesn't have any of us all together. We all ate too much, but it was really good. All hung out and talked and laughed. Played Cranium, which was fun. All in all I thought it was a fun night and everyone enjoyed themselves. Well, that's what I THOUGHT.
JD calls mom this morning and bitches to her about something I DID last night that "offended him and Sandy." WTF??? WHAT DID I DO??? Here I thought everyone had a pleasant evening, but no, apparently I acted like a jerk and he was gonna chew me out over it. Obviously I didn't want to talk to him about it, because he IS a big jerk, everyone knows this, and I didn't feel like fighting with him at the moment. I had just gotten out of bed and was groggy and gross feeling because I had slept way too long the night before. So mom talks him down a bit and tells him to be nice and puts me on the phone anyway. Fine.
I'm not going to go into details about the conversation. I'm just not, because I don't want to look back and remember it and I don't really want anyone else reading about it. Suffice to say I hurt Sandy's feelings, and I'm isolating her or something. And because of that, it's MY fault that her and JD are having problems. Or whatever. I don't know, I don't care. Basically it was the pot calling the kettle black the whole conversation, but I took it because I didn't want to fight with him. All things aside I promised I'd try to "change and be more considerate" and whatever. It's all something I resent, because they treat me like crap ALL THE TIME, and I didn't even REALIZE let alone mean to say something to offend her/them. But whatever. I decided to not even mention this or defend myself in any way, because I didn't want to fight with him. And had I done so, we certainly would have fought. He put me on hold at one point even, so he could calm himself down. God. After I got off the phone mom asked me if I had defended myself, or just sat there and took it. When I told her I just took it she told me "You SHOULD have defended yourself!" Yeah well, I couldn't. So I didn't.
This is why I've been separating myself from them. This is why I've been CONSCIOUSLY TRYING to hang out with them less. They hurt me in so many ways, and on a regular basis. And it's not just them, but the kids as well. They all talk back and act snotty and make fun of me, but dare I retaliate or try to defend myself they'll blow up at me. I just can't take that at the moment. I already feel like a worthless piece of crap, I don't need them telling me I'm right in that respect every fucking day. I KNOW I'm not perfect, I KNOW I'm not beautiful, I KNOW I'm not special or extraordinary in any way. I'm just trying to make my way through this life as best I can before death takes me or I am delivered. That's all I want, is to crawl through this mess of a life and survive. So please, PLEASE stop telling me how worthless and horrible and insignificant I am. Because I wont stop loving you, but I also wont force you to be in my god-awful presence either. What else can I do to please you?
I just hate this family. I hate this life. I hate the fact that they can be so self-centered and only think about their immediate satisfaction and feelings and totally blow mine off. Yeah, I know Sandy is a sensitive person, but DAMN IT, so am I. I love too much, I feel too much, and I care too much. That's just me. So if Sandy finds a way to be hurt by every thing I say, by every comeback I make, by every defense I put up so I don't have to hurt so much, then I'm sorry but what do you want me to do? She's supposed to be an adult, here. And I'll try to watch what I say around her so I don't offend her, but I don't have the energy to guard myself from harm AND walk on eggshells to appease her. I just don't. I've tried before, and I almost lost my life. I can't go down that road again, because there are people more important in my life now that I can't afford to let down.
In a way I suppose it is my own fault. Sandy wears her emotions on her sleeve. Everyone sees it, everyone knows, everyone gets her. They understand that yes, she is immature and yes, she is sensitive, and yes, though we love her she is a little bit insane. But with me, I pretend to be something I'm not to make other people feel better about themselves and the way they show attention to me. I lock it all away and be the person they WANT me to be, so that they'll be satisfied. I am only myself when I'm by myself and it's led to many quiet whisperings of tears and grief, many sleepless nights of reflection by the dull blackness of the faded moon. How can I expect anyone to understand and care for me and my feelings when I do my damnedest to hide them? No one knows who I am, not even my own family, not even my mother who's taken care of me since birth. I locked it all away a very, very long time ago, and no one has even noticed or wept or wondered about it. And I let that be, because I know there are people, many many people, more important than me. The fact that no one cares who I am or what I feel should be expected, not resented. So I haven't. I haven't resented it, not for a long time.
But this? This stupid situation and this stupid attack? Gabby, "we're obviously not as thick-skinned as you think we are, so why don't you be a little more attentive to our feelings?" You're obviously not as thick-skinned as you apparently think *I* am, and it's just to be expected that since I'm so calloused and removed and far from any feeling or emotion I should bend all my time and energies into holding all of you together and just leave myself open to the elements. What you don't get is I already try, every day of my life. I take it as my responsibility to hold everyone and everything in place, to worry about every potentially dangerous situation, to care for and soothe the wounds and scars of your hard falls, to build you up and encourage you in every new venture so that you know how wonderful you are, to be available whenever you need me, waking hours or dead of night, available to whenever you call. Everyone, everything, I feel the need to always be awake and watchful, always guard you and watch over you, and be here whenever you need me. But I am falling apart. I am withering and rusting like an old watchtower beaten by the winds and the elements over a long period of time, cracking and crumbling and falling into despairing ruin, and that scares me. Not because I think I might at last fall, but because I fear that when I do fall who will be here to watch you then?
I feel like I'm spiraling out of control, and I have no earthly idea of where the ground is. But I'm not afraid that I'm going to fall and hit bottom. No, I know I'm going to fall, what I fear is that when I finally do hit it's going to break me, and I don't know if ever I'll get back up, either in mind or in life.
And I don't care. Because as long as that makes you happy, I will do that. Because that's just the way I am. I would die for another person, for any person, and right now I'm bearing my wrists to you and you're holding the knife. All you have to do is make the first cut.
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin round one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace...
Last night I was so tired that I couldn't stay up to watch/record Farscape. Yeah. That's like me saying, "well I got premier tickets to LOTR, but I'm really tired I think I'm just gonna stay in and sleep." Right, eh? It was a good ep, too. "Unrealized Reality." But that's how tired I was.
Anyway, a few things from Friday:
How much do I love the fact that Dom has HORRIBLE typing skills? Lots.
The Beatles negotiated with JRR Tolkien for the rights to star in a film version of the Lord of the Rings. John was to play Gollum, George Gandalf, Paul Frodo and Ringo Sam. "It was something John was driving at," director Peter Jackson told Total Film magazine, after McCartney told him the tale. "JRR Tolkien still had the film rights at that stage, but he didn't like the idea of the Beatles doing it. So he killed it."
Bwaaahaha.
A few more pictures of Dom. 'Cause, you know, just 'cause. =D Also featured on this page: A link to a page FILLED with RotK clips. I almost had a heart attack and died when I saw this, but refused to open any of them because I have already been spoiled more than I would have liked. :D
Oh shoot. I had another link for you all, but now it's not working! It was Viggo singing random things and reading poetry!! And I didn't even get a chance to listen to them all! DAMN IT!!!
Okay, so never mind other boring things that happened Saturday (because, honestly, I really don't remember anything), let's move on to SNL. I took note of 10 things I wanted to tell you all or make mention of.
1. Those picture stills they showed of Elijah before each commercial? I want them in my possession. Because some of them were really cute.
2. The first skit. Elijah's monologue. Chris Katan as Gollum. CRACKED. ME. THE HECK. UP. Seriously, that sitcom? Whatever it was called about Frodo and Gollum getting an apartment together in Denver? Oh man. That was great. And Chris doing the Gollum/Smeagol skitzoid thing was just fabulous.
3. Elijah sang so many times. That had me pretty much dead. Because when he wasn't being a big goober head, he actually sounded okay. *drool* Elijah voice, yummmm.
4. Speaking of Elijah singing, the second skit about the boys choir. AHAHAHAHA, I can't really say much about this skit aside from "OH my God... what's happening... SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!" *gets punched in the crotch a few dozen times* "Aah, thanks guys, you're the BEST!"
5. Never seen Queer Eye or whatever it's called, but Elijah gay and useless is frighteningly endearing. Awww, look at the cute gay clothes/haircut/voice! *bats lashes* "Look at that, they're making eye contact! I *AM* useful!" Also I'd just like to note that I love guys that aren't all homophobic and worried about their image, that can just, to quote Dom, "Take the piss out" of themselves. =D
6. I think I've found a new band to download and exploit and become a big fan of. I just have to go to the website and remind myself what their name is. :P
7. Did Ashton Kutcher really punk out (no pun intended) of making another season of Punk'd? Because if so, I am sad. I love that show.
8. Elijah with dreds is slightly scary. Though it did fit the whole pot-smoking-jazz-band-trumpet-player image he was going for. ;P Funny, funny boy.
9. Elijah with a fro is MORE than slightly scary; it's downright sickening. But bwaahahaha, I love him trying to be all Howie Mandel-ish. *snort* Yes people, he wasn't a funny comic ON PURPOSE, so let it go. ;) But yes, interesting skit, another with the returning Chris Katan, so that was very fabulous. "Yeee-OUCHHH!"
10. Finally, Elijah as Boy George. .... Oh. Sweet. Mother. Of Pearl. I was squealing with laughter, which prompted JeAnna to shush me for fear of waking the parental units. BUT HONESTLY, PEOPLE!!! THAT WAS SCARY!! BUT OH SO FABULOUS!! I NEED TO FIND A PICTURE OF THAT, BECAUSE YES!!! JUST... IF YOU MISSED THE SHOW, YOU HAVE TO SEE!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! He is so cute.
And there you have it. On a side note, when everyone is ice skating during the credits, Elijah has the CUTEST OUTFIT EVER ON! I know how girlish that sounds, but I covet that outfit. With the little pea-coat and the scarf and the cute little paper boy hat that I want SO BAD!!!! Aww, he's so cute. Which my 38-year-old sister made sure to remind me of every time he was on-screen. Heh, oh yeah.
(The rest will probably be free of goodies, so unless you're interested in the haps of my life you can stop here. I guess. I applaud you for even reading this far.)
To everyone I was chatting with Saturday, sorry I didn't come back on. Lol, I know I kinda said "brb" and then ditched you, but my computer was acting like such a piece. I ended up doing a system scan to see if there were any problems (which there weren't, bugger), and that lasted ALL NIGHT long. What are my computer issues, you may ask?
-I have a start page trojan I can't seem to delete. That means every time I restart my computer, my home page also resets itself. To an AD SITE. So every day I have to switch it back to livejournal.com. That's one thing that's been going on the longest.
-My computer now refuses to shut down. It used to automatically shut down, but now you have to sit and wait to see if it actually will. Sometimes it makes it to the "It is now safe to turn off your computer" page, sometimes it doesn't even get that far. It's very annoying.
-I keep getting "You do not have enough disk space to execute this command" messages, regardless of the fact that I have PLENTY of hard drive space AND ram. That means sometimes I can run my normal 8 or so programs, sometimes I can't run more than three. *bangs head on desk*
-Certain programs now make it a habit to freeze up my computer, or crash not only itself but a whole bunch of other programs. Oh yes, feel the hell I am in.
Obviously there is something SERIOUSLY wrong, but I'm baffled as to what. I'm going to pick apart my system later and see if something doesn't turn up, but for the time being it's KILLING ME!!! UGH!!!!
So moving on to Sunday, meeting was good. I kept busting myself up, though. For one, Dani was there ALONE with Kyleigh. I don't remember where Chris and Linda were, but it was the first time Dani was alone with Kyleigh at a public meeting, and she was a little stressed. Hehehe, luckily she did pretty good. Second of all, Eric Stockwell for some reason can't pronounce "women." He always says "woman." Which leads to some pretty funny sentences, let me tell you. Third of all, Bill Biggelow read the first subheading in the Watchtower (Women are Precious Assets, or something like that) as "Women are precious asses." AHAHAHAHA!!! So yes, fun meeting.
Also, YOU KNOW YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH LOTR's WHEN.... In the Watchtower I read, "the faithful steward," and immediately Denethor pops into my mind. Yeah, think I may have been reading/watching a little too much? :P Sad thing is that's not the only time yesterday something reminded me of LOTR. I can't remember the other one, though.
Anyway, after that I helped mom fix dinner for the family. All my brothers and sisters showed up with their families/significant others (save JeAnna, obviously). They were EXTREMELY late, more than 4 hours, which was upsetting because mom was alternately in a panic or frustrated. She bought about $100's worth of food that we never ate, because she expected everyone for lunch as well as dinner. Yeah, they are jerks, I agree. But they all eventually showed up and apologized for being late and we just sort of moved on.
To appease mom we took family photos, because she doesn't have any of us all together. We all ate too much, but it was really good. All hung out and talked and laughed. Played Cranium, which was fun. All in all I thought it was a fun night and everyone enjoyed themselves. Well, that's what I THOUGHT.
JD calls mom this morning and bitches to her about something I DID last night that "offended him and Sandy." WTF??? WHAT DID I DO??? Here I thought everyone had a pleasant evening, but no, apparently I acted like a jerk and he was gonna chew me out over it. Obviously I didn't want to talk to him about it, because he IS a big jerk, everyone knows this, and I didn't feel like fighting with him at the moment. I had just gotten out of bed and was groggy and gross feeling because I had slept way too long the night before. So mom talks him down a bit and tells him to be nice and puts me on the phone anyway. Fine.
I'm not going to go into details about the conversation. I'm just not, because I don't want to look back and remember it and I don't really want anyone else reading about it. Suffice to say I hurt Sandy's feelings, and I'm isolating her or something. And because of that, it's MY fault that her and JD are having problems. Or whatever. I don't know, I don't care. Basically it was the pot calling the kettle black the whole conversation, but I took it because I didn't want to fight with him. All things aside I promised I'd try to "change and be more considerate" and whatever. It's all something I resent, because they treat me like crap ALL THE TIME, and I didn't even REALIZE let alone mean to say something to offend her/them. But whatever. I decided to not even mention this or defend myself in any way, because I didn't want to fight with him. And had I done so, we certainly would have fought. He put me on hold at one point even, so he could calm himself down. God. After I got off the phone mom asked me if I had defended myself, or just sat there and took it. When I told her I just took it she told me "You SHOULD have defended yourself!" Yeah well, I couldn't. So I didn't.
This is why I've been separating myself from them. This is why I've been CONSCIOUSLY TRYING to hang out with them less. They hurt me in so many ways, and on a regular basis. And it's not just them, but the kids as well. They all talk back and act snotty and make fun of me, but dare I retaliate or try to defend myself they'll blow up at me. I just can't take that at the moment. I already feel like a worthless piece of crap, I don't need them telling me I'm right in that respect every fucking day. I KNOW I'm not perfect, I KNOW I'm not beautiful, I KNOW I'm not special or extraordinary in any way. I'm just trying to make my way through this life as best I can before death takes me or I am delivered. That's all I want, is to crawl through this mess of a life and survive. So please, PLEASE stop telling me how worthless and horrible and insignificant I am. Because I wont stop loving you, but I also wont force you to be in my god-awful presence either. What else can I do to please you?
I just hate this family. I hate this life. I hate the fact that they can be so self-centered and only think about their immediate satisfaction and feelings and totally blow mine off. Yeah, I know Sandy is a sensitive person, but DAMN IT, so am I. I love too much, I feel too much, and I care too much. That's just me. So if Sandy finds a way to be hurt by every thing I say, by every comeback I make, by every defense I put up so I don't have to hurt so much, then I'm sorry but what do you want me to do? She's supposed to be an adult, here. And I'll try to watch what I say around her so I don't offend her, but I don't have the energy to guard myself from harm AND walk on eggshells to appease her. I just don't. I've tried before, and I almost lost my life. I can't go down that road again, because there are people more important in my life now that I can't afford to let down.
In a way I suppose it is my own fault. Sandy wears her emotions on her sleeve. Everyone sees it, everyone knows, everyone gets her. They understand that yes, she is immature and yes, she is sensitive, and yes, though we love her she is a little bit insane. But with me, I pretend to be something I'm not to make other people feel better about themselves and the way they show attention to me. I lock it all away and be the person they WANT me to be, so that they'll be satisfied. I am only myself when I'm by myself and it's led to many quiet whisperings of tears and grief, many sleepless nights of reflection by the dull blackness of the faded moon. How can I expect anyone to understand and care for me and my feelings when I do my damnedest to hide them? No one knows who I am, not even my own family, not even my mother who's taken care of me since birth. I locked it all away a very, very long time ago, and no one has even noticed or wept or wondered about it. And I let that be, because I know there are people, many many people, more important than me. The fact that no one cares who I am or what I feel should be expected, not resented. So I haven't. I haven't resented it, not for a long time.
But this? This stupid situation and this stupid attack? Gabby, "we're obviously not as thick-skinned as you think we are, so why don't you be a little more attentive to our feelings?" You're obviously not as thick-skinned as you apparently think *I* am, and it's just to be expected that since I'm so calloused and removed and far from any feeling or emotion I should bend all my time and energies into holding all of you together and just leave myself open to the elements. What you don't get is I already try, every day of my life. I take it as my responsibility to hold everyone and everything in place, to worry about every potentially dangerous situation, to care for and soothe the wounds and scars of your hard falls, to build you up and encourage you in every new venture so that you know how wonderful you are, to be available whenever you need me, waking hours or dead of night, available to whenever you call. Everyone, everything, I feel the need to always be awake and watchful, always guard you and watch over you, and be here whenever you need me. But I am falling apart. I am withering and rusting like an old watchtower beaten by the winds and the elements over a long period of time, cracking and crumbling and falling into despairing ruin, and that scares me. Not because I think I might at last fall, but because I fear that when I do fall who will be here to watch you then?
I feel like I'm spiraling out of control, and I have no earthly idea of where the ground is. But I'm not afraid that I'm going to fall and hit bottom. No, I know I'm going to fall, what I fear is that when I finally do hit it's going to break me, and I don't know if ever I'll get back up, either in mind or in life.
And I don't care. Because as long as that makes you happy, I will do that. Because that's just the way I am. I would die for another person, for any person, and right now I'm bearing my wrists to you and you're holding the knife. All you have to do is make the first cut.
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin round one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace...
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I'm here if you need someone to talk/rant to.
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*hugs back*
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You can always talk to me mellon nín, I'm always here. I know exctly what you're going though, it happened to me last year. Just IM me and I'll answer. Serious convo, lighthearted convo, it's up to you. You know where to find me.
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Honestly, Bria, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I don't think I could talk to you. It just wouldn't work. Sorry.
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This is off topic but:
Oh and I have some presentsses to mail to you, but I need your addy. (Not Christmas presentesses, just presentesses)
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And that would have so ROCKED!
Umm if you recorded SNL, can you make me a copy?! PLEASE! I will gladly send the tape. Or money. Or something. Cuz DARNIT, WHY DID I HAVE TO MISS IT!
*bashes the One Computer into a wall and then tosses it into Mt. Doom*
Urgh, I really can't stand people like this JD. I would have given him a huge chunk of my mind too, but.. yeah. Probably not worth it. You can always hope it'd scare sense into them, but in the end how often does that actually happen?!
As for the really over-selfish relatives, I wouldn't bother trying to appease them. Just behave by what you know is right, not by what they want. If they want to get uppity over nothing, that's their problem. You may have a family that doesn't appreciate you, but believe me, I know I appreciate you. You've been nothing but spectacular.
I don't envy your lot in life, but it certainly makes you one to look up to. So young and already being mother to your whole family. I'll pray for some ease to come into your situation, and for you to keep having the strength and grace you already have. I love ya, girl. :)
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I wouldn't bother trying to appease them. Just behave by what you know is right, not by what they want
That is what I know is right. It's who I am. I can't change that.
I appreciate your kind words, but I'm not one to look up to. I'm really not.
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I didn't mean that everyone should try to be like you all the time, just that you've gotta have some strength to be able to do that and keep your sanity (or at least a slight grip on it, since I know it can't ALL be there. ;) ) Eh, none of us feel like we're worth anything half the time. But hey, I think you ROCK.
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Enjoy the SNL clips. :)
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Have you ever tried yoga?
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I could never try yoga, due to the spiritism involved with it. It leaves you subseptable to demon attacks.
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Just a random question from yours truly.
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uruk-hai give me nightmares. *shudders*
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I think you're a beautiful person, Gabby. Don't ever doubt that there are people who love you dearly.
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*hugs back*