Gabby (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ladyoflorien) wrote2002-06-05 09:55 pm
ladyoflorien) wrote2002-06-05 09:55 pm
Frell me dead
What a lovely evening to ruin such a nice day. I'm so friggin' agitated I could punch a hole in the wall right now. I swear I could. But I'm so exhausted at this point that I doubt I'd make much damage.
I just finished a brutal 3 hour work-out. You name it, I did it. From lifting weights to running to setting up a makeshift punching bag and beating the hell out of it to cardio exercises to everything else and back again till you've re-done all of that 3 times. I'm literally sitting here trembling from head to toe because my muscles are just so tired. I feel like I could throw up (but that's normal after I work myself like this [plus the circumstances surrounding the grueling torture itself]) and I worked up such a sweat beating the crap out of myself that all I really want to do is take a shower. But I wont because I'm just so exhausted that I'm afraid I'll pass out and hurt myself again. Yeah, please don't ask about that 'again' part.
I was tired to begin with because I barely slept last night, but now I feel like I've kicked myself in the head a few more times to add to that. I'm going to crash and I'm going to crash HARD. But I probably wont sleep at all tonight because I'm just so friggin' WIRED. I'm, to put it bluntly and please excuse my french, PISSED OFF. I want to go back downstairs and go another couple rounds with my punching bag. But I know the second I work myself up again I'll probably collapse. Dang it. This is not fun.
It's no mystery as to what my anger is about for those of you who know me well (though you may be few). I just can't STAND IT. I don't know what prevents me from blowing a hole in my head. No, I take that back, God is what prevents me from doing that. But I swear I don't know how atheists get through the day without wanting to off themselves. If I didn't have that pillar of strength I'd be utterly lost.
I think I'm going to be sick. My head is beginning to spin. Maybe the anger is wearing off, or maybe it's getting stronger, I don't know. All I know is that I feel like screaming, and crying, and fighting and curling up into a ball and giving in all at the same time. And the worst part is I have to internalize it all because there's no one here to talk to.
I feel even more sick now. I better ditch this post before everything goes black. There's a storm rolling in to match my foul disposition and I want to sit outside and watch the lightning strike. Sometimes the only match you can find to the intensity of your emotions is the glory and awesomeness of nature, which is emotion in it's purest most unadulterated form.
*shudders and falls flat on keyboardzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
I just finished a brutal 3 hour work-out. You name it, I did it. From lifting weights to running to setting up a makeshift punching bag and beating the hell out of it to cardio exercises to everything else and back again till you've re-done all of that 3 times. I'm literally sitting here trembling from head to toe because my muscles are just so tired. I feel like I could throw up (but that's normal after I work myself like this [plus the circumstances surrounding the grueling torture itself]) and I worked up such a sweat beating the crap out of myself that all I really want to do is take a shower. But I wont because I'm just so exhausted that I'm afraid I'll pass out and hurt myself again. Yeah, please don't ask about that 'again' part.
I was tired to begin with because I barely slept last night, but now I feel like I've kicked myself in the head a few more times to add to that. I'm going to crash and I'm going to crash HARD. But I probably wont sleep at all tonight because I'm just so friggin' WIRED. I'm, to put it bluntly and please excuse my french, PISSED OFF. I want to go back downstairs and go another couple rounds with my punching bag. But I know the second I work myself up again I'll probably collapse. Dang it. This is not fun.
It's no mystery as to what my anger is about for those of you who know me well (though you may be few). I just can't STAND IT. I don't know what prevents me from blowing a hole in my head. No, I take that back, God is what prevents me from doing that. But I swear I don't know how atheists get through the day without wanting to off themselves. If I didn't have that pillar of strength I'd be utterly lost.
I think I'm going to be sick. My head is beginning to spin. Maybe the anger is wearing off, or maybe it's getting stronger, I don't know. All I know is that I feel like screaming, and crying, and fighting and curling up into a ball and giving in all at the same time. And the worst part is I have to internalize it all because there's no one here to talk to.
I feel even more sick now. I better ditch this post before everything goes black. There's a storm rolling in to match my foul disposition and I want to sit outside and watch the lightning strike. Sometimes the only match you can find to the intensity of your emotions is the glory and awesomeness of nature, which is emotion in it's purest most unadulterated form.
*shudders and falls flat on keyboardzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*