Gabby (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ladyoflorien) wrote2002-06-07 08:38 pm
ladyoflorien) wrote2002-06-07 08:38 pm
*growl*
Okay, why do I have to have such lousy luck with friends? Why why WHY?
Just when I thought I found three nice new friends who I could really get along with and who might be different then all the other people here who seem to be intent on shutting me down in every way possible, I find out I'm wrong. WHY??
This is not fair. I should be able to have good friendships. Why does it feel like everyone wants me to be alone? I'm so alone here and I hate it. I hate it with a passion! I need people around me to make me feel like a real person. I don't think anyone understands the true magnitude of my thoughts or of the horror of my past. How many scars I have from the knife wounds to my heart. How many nights I just sit and cry for no reason other than that I'm in too much agony emotionally to do anything else. And the effort and the time and the strength it's taken for me to come back from the dead and start all over again? Only to be shut down again? Why? Why can't I have one person that wont leave me when I really need their support?
This has been a terrible night. Worst of all I missed Farscape to try and resolve this and it's still going on. I'll have to catch the 12 AM showing. But I'm mad none the less. 2 months of waiting and now this.
I'm so tired of this. This endless agony this piercing torment. Perhaps I'm the subject of a cruel joke that's to someone else's amusement. Perhaps my suffering pleases someone and that's why I'm forced to continue in it. All I know is I can't be alone with my thoughts that are always working to destroy me. My own thoughts in my own mind! But I have no one in which I can truly feel that I mean something to them. That they wont hurt me.
I hate being alone. Almost as I hate being surrounded by people who only pretend to be your friend until they can cut a better deal. I feel so... empty.
This is not fair. I should be entitled to good friendships. But if this is the way they want it to be then so be it. I have no more will to fight. I've lost all strength in me or faith in mind. Let them come and go as they please. They'll never hear my scream of pain until I'm too far gone to bring back.
Just when I thought I found three nice new friends who I could really get along with and who might be different then all the other people here who seem to be intent on shutting me down in every way possible, I find out I'm wrong. WHY??
This is not fair. I should be able to have good friendships. Why does it feel like everyone wants me to be alone? I'm so alone here and I hate it. I hate it with a passion! I need people around me to make me feel like a real person. I don't think anyone understands the true magnitude of my thoughts or of the horror of my past. How many scars I have from the knife wounds to my heart. How many nights I just sit and cry for no reason other than that I'm in too much agony emotionally to do anything else. And the effort and the time and the strength it's taken for me to come back from the dead and start all over again? Only to be shut down again? Why? Why can't I have one person that wont leave me when I really need their support?
This has been a terrible night. Worst of all I missed Farscape to try and resolve this and it's still going on. I'll have to catch the 12 AM showing. But I'm mad none the less. 2 months of waiting and now this.
I'm so tired of this. This endless agony this piercing torment. Perhaps I'm the subject of a cruel joke that's to someone else's amusement. Perhaps my suffering pleases someone and that's why I'm forced to continue in it. All I know is I can't be alone with my thoughts that are always working to destroy me. My own thoughts in my own mind! But I have no one in which I can truly feel that I mean something to them. That they wont hurt me.
I hate being alone. Almost as I hate being surrounded by people who only pretend to be your friend until they can cut a better deal. I feel so... empty.
This is not fair. I should be entitled to good friendships. But if this is the way they want it to be then so be it. I have no more will to fight. I've lost all strength in me or faith in mind. Let them come and go as they please. They'll never hear my scream of pain until I'm too far gone to bring back.
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You know I love you, right? I don't know exactly what's going on but if you want to talk about it let me know. And I got Farscape on tape, so you've got a back up for that.
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