Gabby (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ladyoflorien) wrote2004-02-14 11:06 pm
ladyoflorien) wrote2004-02-14 11:06 pm
(no subject)
Guh, why is everyone I know really pissing me off right now????
Because I know that no one knows me or knows what I'm thinking, because I've made it that way on myself, and I'm distancing myself from a really old friend because I'm too damned tired to deal with his problems on top of my own. And there's only one person I want to talk to right now, only ONE, and they've been available but avoiding all manner of messaging program for the last few days (Yes, I've been checking for you religiously, every chance I get on every outlet I can think of, not just through LJ comments alone, but unfortunately you wouldn't be found). I'm headed on my way to one of my infamous blowups because I'm holding it all in and trying to remain calm and normal while I'm flailing about trying to get in contact with this one person as fast as I can, but they're off having a life of their own. One that doesn't involve me. And it slaps me in the face as sort of a cruel irony because I'm so broken up I can't pretend to fix everyone else's problems, but I expect to have someone around to help me with mine. Only she's not there. And I can't tell her that it's killing me inside that she's not there. Because if I did, then she'd probably make me feel guilty for even asking, or worse. She'd actually stay home. So I'm on my way to a blowup, and along the way getting angrier and angrier and angrier with myself because every empty "conversational" word that comes out of someone's mouth echoes inside my head reminding me that I am completely fucking alone. And I can't STAND IT, and I can't stand seeing my reflection in other people's eyes because what they see ISN'T ME and it's never occurred to them that all this anger, all this resentment, all this distance and shyness and emptiness is there because I am afraid of them. I'm afraid of becoming real to them because then they will become real to me and then I'll have more people like that One Friend I really need to talk to that wont be there because they have lives apart from me.
I feel hollow and deserted and my only company is this ever tightening lump in my throat. And it seems ever more anon for me to fall asleep on my feet, and dream that I am dead, and all the world is a shadow and a passing thought. And I have no wish or desire to wake.
Because I know that no one knows me or knows what I'm thinking, because I've made it that way on myself, and I'm distancing myself from a really old friend because I'm too damned tired to deal with his problems on top of my own. And there's only one person I want to talk to right now, only ONE, and they've been available but avoiding all manner of messaging program for the last few days (Yes, I've been checking for you religiously, every chance I get on every outlet I can think of, not just through LJ comments alone, but unfortunately you wouldn't be found). I'm headed on my way to one of my infamous blowups because I'm holding it all in and trying to remain calm and normal while I'm flailing about trying to get in contact with this one person as fast as I can, but they're off having a life of their own. One that doesn't involve me. And it slaps me in the face as sort of a cruel irony because I'm so broken up I can't pretend to fix everyone else's problems, but I expect to have someone around to help me with mine. Only she's not there. And I can't tell her that it's killing me inside that she's not there. Because if I did, then she'd probably make me feel guilty for even asking, or worse. She'd actually stay home. So I'm on my way to a blowup, and along the way getting angrier and angrier and angrier with myself because every empty "conversational" word that comes out of someone's mouth echoes inside my head reminding me that I am completely fucking alone. And I can't STAND IT, and I can't stand seeing my reflection in other people's eyes because what they see ISN'T ME and it's never occurred to them that all this anger, all this resentment, all this distance and shyness and emptiness is there because I am afraid of them. I'm afraid of becoming real to them because then they will become real to me and then I'll have more people like that One Friend I really need to talk to that wont be there because they have lives apart from me.
I feel hollow and deserted and my only company is this ever tightening lump in my throat. And it seems ever more anon for me to fall asleep on my feet, and dream that I am dead, and all the world is a shadow and a passing thought. And I have no wish or desire to wake.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
*HUGE MASSIVE HUG*
Love you.
no subject
I'm home now, and ready and here to listen if needed!