Gabby (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ladyoflorien) wrote2002-06-12 11:19 pm
ladyoflorien) wrote2002-06-12 11:19 pm
How's about a little Music Therapy?
Remember how I said I may at some point post an entry where I pull apart the guts of songs that describe me well and explain it bit by bit? Well... I tried. But I couldn't do it. I know, I am weak. I am. But you never realize how hard it is to put your life into spoken words until it comes right down to doing it. I've never had to before. There's never been anyone who cared enough to ask, who stuck around long enough to hear the answer, or who didn't loose my trust by their actions. I'm not a graceful speaker. I express myself through pen and paper because it's then that I'm alone and my thoughts can flow freely. But around people... I choke. I simply loose it. I start to stutter and backtrack and shake and I loose my voice and tears well up and all I can think about is running away to hide. Isn't that sad? But it's where my past friends have sent me. It's where I'm forced to be because no one offered me their hand. No one tried to help me out. I've been banished there by people who claimed to care about me because they thought it was the best place for me to be. And though I know they're wrong I still don't have the guts to stand up and defy them. I'm too afraid of what they'll do to me to actually stand up for myself and rebuild.
I'm not playing the 'woe is me' bit. I don't seek your sympathy. The one thing I've learned to despise through the years is pity. I simply say this now because when you stand there and you look at me I don't want you thinking "there's a sullen b**ch who only thinks of herself and has no compassion for other people. Conceited, rude, and insensitive." I want you to know the truth about me. Not hearsay. Not opinion. I want you to know that when I look at other people I have the deepest compassion and love for them. I wish to reach out, but please understand that I just can't. Don't think me cold; I care very much, and you're all put above me in the sense that I feel the need to protect you. From what? From myself. No one wishes to see the true thoughts and feelings from one of the darkest hearts this world holds. They want humor and amusement, a shoulder when they need it but someone who always has a quirky remark to say and a gentle joke to tell. So I'm contented to hold myself in and play the role you want me to play.
I know there are those who despise me. Who don't understand me and who don't want to know me. While this wounds me deeply I let it be because it's better to be hated than to be laughed at when bearing your soul. So know when times get rough and I withdraw into myself I mean not to be cruel or cold, I simply know no other way to be. Forgive me, for I care for you no matter what you may think.
*takes a deep breath*
*curls up once again in my own little corner, in my own little cage*
I'm not playing the 'woe is me' bit. I don't seek your sympathy. The one thing I've learned to despise through the years is pity. I simply say this now because when you stand there and you look at me I don't want you thinking "there's a sullen b**ch who only thinks of herself and has no compassion for other people. Conceited, rude, and insensitive." I want you to know the truth about me. Not hearsay. Not opinion. I want you to know that when I look at other people I have the deepest compassion and love for them. I wish to reach out, but please understand that I just can't. Don't think me cold; I care very much, and you're all put above me in the sense that I feel the need to protect you. From what? From myself. No one wishes to see the true thoughts and feelings from one of the darkest hearts this world holds. They want humor and amusement, a shoulder when they need it but someone who always has a quirky remark to say and a gentle joke to tell. So I'm contented to hold myself in and play the role you want me to play.
I know there are those who despise me. Who don't understand me and who don't want to know me. While this wounds me deeply I let it be because it's better to be hated than to be laughed at when bearing your soul. So know when times get rough and I withdraw into myself I mean not to be cruel or cold, I simply know no other way to be. Forgive me, for I care for you no matter what you may think.
*takes a deep breath*
*curls up once again in my own little corner, in my own little cage*